2021

MAI 2021

Les gens sont si plats, tièdes, si peu intenses. si peu courageux, si peu passionnés. Prêts à prendre zéro risque pour garder leur petit confort timide et doucereux. Je me sens toujours seule, en quête d’intensité, de quelque chose qui réponde à mon feu intérieur. Mais je suis toujours TOO MUCH. Nothing and no one ever matches my energy. Send me someone who understands, someone who has the key. Someone with whom everything can begin. I WANT NEW people, new energy, new settings, new possibilities, new success, new golden era, new memories.

I have to stop looking and listening to what others do, say, share, make. Nun mode. Need to focus on my obsessions, what wants/needs to get out. I need to connect to my higher purpose and to give my time and attention only to what gets me closer to my purpose. NO DISTRACTION. I feel like I’m learning something, having to face my emptiness. 

Knowing that we are all in this mess together is what makes it bearable. Everybody is teaching you something.

JUIN 2021

The real deal is not whether or not you are good or bad, but how REAL you can be, TRUE to yourself, not afraid to face your deepest fears, needs, guilt, desires, shame…

Love is what makes us move, evolve, interact, what breaks the mold sometimes and forces us to reconsider and rebuild. It’s always worth it. Even if it hurts. 

JUILLET 2021

I am no one when kids are around, they suck up my vital forces. I’ve got nothing left to give.

Back at work. Back to the center of myself. Back to my happy place. Able to breathe again. Able to dream again. Hearing myself think. Wanting things again. 

Good is being IN MOVEMENT/FLOWING/EVOLVING/IN MOTION - sync with life. Bad is stagnation, going in circles, doing the same thing over and over again, resisting the flow of change, being in struggle with what is. 

I have to get used to loneliness. THIS IS A LONELY RIDE.

I’m calling for someone speaking to the wildest, darkest part of me.

AOÛT 2021

I feel like I’m always fighting between my spiritual self who wants to love as much as it can and elevate, and my chaos trash decay self who wants to fuck smoke party and do drugs all the time and fuck responsibilities and who don’t give a rat’s ass about what people think. What makes it confusing is that I’m always trying to choose one versus the other, I shouldn’t try to make up my mind about this, I should just embody everything that I am, period. I think I’m here to be everything at the same time. When you try to choose, something important about you is dying. And right now I feel so empty. Something is not right. It feels like something is lost, something important, that makes me who I am.

It’s 6:20 and I can’t wait for the sun to shine. The night is terrifying me. Loneliness is echoing in the dark. I feel like I’m stuck, stagnating. Stuck in my little ordinary life, tied to the ground. I feel so frail and ugly, so little. I miss the feeling of lightness, freedom, of being alive. Everything feels so hard, unreachable, unbearable, unbreakable, like a constant struggle. I feel inadequate. I feel fear. Almost all the time. I want to be in comforting arms, reassured, loved, adored, boosted, pushed, lifted. My art is the only thing that matters to me, the only thing that belongs to me. The only thing I belong to.

SEPT 2021

DANS LA PROFONDEUR DE L’ECHO

LA PEAU ET L’ÂME CHAVIRÉES

INTENSITÉ 

JE SENS LE DRAME INÉLUCTABLE 

QUI DÉFERLE EN VAGUES VIOLENTES SUR LA JETÉE

LE SABLE EST MOUILLÉ

S’ENTRECHOQUENT LES FANTÔMES 

DANS LE CREUX SOMBRE DES PENSÉES 

IMMACULÉE CONCEPTION 

DES GESTES INASSOUVIS 

FANES ABÎMES

ALORS…ALORS…MAINTENANT QUOI ? 

I should do something to feel back on track but all I feel like doing is resting and taking it easy. I need comfort so badly. A warm bath, candle light, a glass of wine, a cigarette, a nice movie. Letting go. 

My hair is a mess and my face seems to be a hundred years old. I feel like I’m missing out on all the cool stuff. That I’ll never be someone who accomplished anything.

OCT 2021

I just wanted to tell you, although you think you are alone, I know there is light somewhere. You have to decide WITH NO FEAR. NO HOLDING BACK. NO GUILT.

In the studio this morning. Happy place. 

It is awesome realizing I made so much progress while I thought I made none. Everything's coming together, although most of the time I feel lost, I’m moving forward. 

DEC 2021

Everytime you get sucked inside your mind again, go back to your senses, to the real concrete world. This is the only truth.

Be aligned with your light and darkness, and everything will fall back into place. Be like a river, open to anything that might happen. Knowing no matter what, it will reach the ocean. Focus on your art, the rest will follow. Give it your all, like there is no going back. 

There is a time to hold still and take it all in, and a time to move and let things out. 

Ma musique comme seule constante, seul repère inchangé, au milieu du brouillard. Ma voix lance des bouteilles à la mer, telle une sirène désespérée. 

You have to find a way to be someone without a man. Independent, elegant, strong.

A dream : [...] Then I went back to my house. There was the sound of the ocean, I was outside, the floor was an orange and yellow knitted plastic. It was full of sun and waves came licking my feet and I thought, “what a wonderful place. How lucky I am”. And as I was about to sit down for a coffee in the sun, I realized there was a hill where the ocean should have been. There was water at my feet with dead fishes everywhere. Something felt wrong. Then the naked native people from before arrived and climbed the hill. I followed them. There was no ocean on the other side, but a city. They were happy, and their ears started turning into werewolves ears. 

So I can’t help but ask the question, is this a metaphor of my life right now ? What is over the hill for me ? I could hear a whole ocean…

My songs saved me so many times. Writing a song is being confronted with my darkest shit. It forces me to find a way out of the maze, and deal with it. Deal with what we usually don’t want to see. It helps me step higher, and widen the perspective, process my feelings, look at it in a different light, and find a resolution, or at least a meaning. My songs have the power to bring me back to life every time. I just hope it could work with people too. Whenever they feel bad, I could share a little bit of my strength, and when they feel good, it could deepen the amazing feeling of everything falling into place. 

Rehearsing with the boys this week-end, I felt like a desert receiving rain for the first time in a thousand years.