JUIN - JUILLET 2022

JUIN 2022

Savoir passer à travers ceux qui détestent pour atteindre ceux qui comprennent.

Je commence à percevoir de la lumière. Je commence à comprendre qui me prend mon énergie et qui m’en donne. 

Je sais que l’univers veut que je me confronte au fait d’être seule, d’arrêter de me cacher derrière des musiciens, que j’y aille sans bouclier, sans rien, vulnérable. C’est l’épreuve à laquelle je ne veux jamais me confronter et qui revient sans cesse (cf. mon thème astral).

Là je me concentre sur le concert des 4Ecluses à Dunkerque, les clips et les finitions de l’album. Je suis tellement à fond dans les clips en ce moment que j’ai envie d’en faire un pour chaque chanson. Je veux les faire, tout de suite, avec les moyens que j’ai. MOI MÊME. Les penser comme des collages en mouvement. 

C’est comme si il n’y avait qu’en créant que j'arrivais à comprendre qui je suis et à avancer. 

Aujourd’hui je dis à l’univers : Qu’est ce que je suis censée faire avec ce manque, ce trou béant dans ma poitrine, cette soif, cette envie que rien ni personne ne veut/peut/sait ni remplir ni apaiser ? Et il répond : Tu n’as pas le choix, il n’y a rien d’autre à faire que continuer de créer, même si ça semble stupide, hors de propos, pathétique, dérisoir. Au final ça compte. Et ça comptera. 

J’aime beaucoup le clip que je fais en ce moment avec les images de guerre sur ma chanson La Pluie. SImple spontané, au hasard presque. Des collages, des impressions…. C’est si puissant je ne peux pas expliquer, pour moi ça fait tellement sens. Je le ressens au plus profond de moi. L’eau et le feu, toujours. J’aime tellement comme le hasard guide toujours parfaitement la danse, lui faire confiance pour tout le reste aussi. 

L’impression que le seul état qui compte c’est celui où on en a tellement plus rien à faire qu’on devient vraiment spontané, honnête et intéressant dans son travail, qu’on produit de l’original.

Que la cuisante jalousie se meuve en quelque chose qui fait avancer. 

Nobody will ever understand, I wanna be free to explore, I want the process, I fuck every rule I fuck les musiques actuelles, I want the edge, the underground. I want crisis. I want the edge and no middle. I’d better lick the lepers face than crawl in the muddy boring flat land of everyday life, with everyday people, ordinary, common life. Je vomis sur vos normes et vos règles de merde. J’ai envie d’hurler and to curse everyone. Who cares if you’re good or not ? Says who ? If you keep on seeking approval, even your own approval, you’ll cut yourself from your own power. DO MAKE CREATE - BUT STOP THINKING ALTOGETHER, because thinking is judging and judging is the beginning of hell. It’s only by not thinking that you’ll have your power back. I want to be on fire. I wanna stop standing in my own way. I want life to lead the dance and take a deep dive in its stream. I want people on fire, ON FIRE. Peut-être qu’on ne m’a pas assez poussée pour que je me mette vraiment en colère. This is a fucking test, perfect timing. Abortion all over again. 

Si une chose me manque encore c’est de développer cette intention, arrêter de m’excuser de jouer. What happened with Sylvain and Faches Thumesnil was a redirection because I was losing the plot, the real goal. I was trying to hide, but I can do it alone. Just me and my guitar. I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF AGAIN. When you take risks, when you take steps towards your soul expansion, you can do nothing but meet opportunities and help, and a new way draws itself in front of your eyes where you couldn’t see nothing but a blank page the moment before. 

Lingua Ignota, intransigeant and brutal. Raw, intense. Sans concession. My world just gained a new dimension thanks to her, it just got a little bigger. she is the true woman, the witch, horrid and beautiful, Lilith, Life itself. She is everything at the same time. I feel like by being so utterly herself she is leading me to my own power. For me it is such a struggle, I worked so much to arrive here, and I still have a long way to go. There are so many layers, so many things to let go of and unlearn. 

IF YOU’RE NOT SCARED, YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR WAY. 

You might not have people around to understand but you have books, film, songs, from which you can pick your soul tribe. I don’t want a dull shallow conversation at a party, I want deep shit, concepts, ideals, burning hearts, boiling brains, restless hands. 

Your space is yours, use it, habite-le pleinement, repousse les limites de ses frontières, tu t’es toujours contentée de trop peu jusqu’à présent. Là c’est un temps pour créer et assert who you are, nothing else. J’ai une telle rage en plein milieu de mon corps là, entre la poitrine et le ventre, ça me consume, j’entends les flammes brûler, mais c’est une colère qui doit me servir , ne pas me laisser submerger. 

I know you’re not happy with what you create lately but at least you’re not blocking it, you are just frustrated, embarrassed, ashamed most of the time, even a little angry sometimes, but it will pass. You are doing the work and I love you for that. I think you are very brave. 

Je sens ma voix commencer à se libérer de plus en plus. De nouvelles choses émergent. J’ose plus aller dans les aiguës, il y a plus de force, de contraste, de relief, de lâcher prise. Il se passe des choses. Et temps que tu es en mesure de dire ça. TOUT IRA BIEN. Feels like it is taking forever to not get in the way of myself. It hurts. And feeling so alone all the time hurts too but it is the only way for me. Your band was a shield for you, the shield is preventing you from sending your energy to the people. It is blocking everything. Angels and guides want you to be raw, to expand and unleash your power. You must protect your power. You must let go of the terror of being rejected. And judged. And to do so you must feel isolated, and feel rejected, there is no other way. The only way is through. 

When I’m doing music on stage I’m alone talking to God, making love and letting them watch.

This is why I love chaos and times of crisis, it reminds me of what life really is, a universe with billions of possibilities, always moving, changing. 

I’m holding the fucking keys and I can’t open the fucking door.

Right now I’m digging, digging, digging.

You never know what’s happening underneath, when you don’t pay attention. A million things occur, a million ramifications are set in motion, everything moves always, even when you think everything is static, and then, when you expect it the least, everything happens. 

Singing is like casting a spell, opening a vortex to another dimension. It brings all the parallel worlds closer to each other, it’s like a bridge. 

You have to have enough courage to take the first step, to jump, the rest will follow. 

Mes chansons sont une offrande à Dieu. Une prière.

JUILLET 2022

The voices inside of me tell me to give in to madness and chaos because it is not going to last. I see so clearly now that trying to change yourself for others, please others, is a fucking waste of time.

Those who are only able to make room for positive stuff are cutting themselves from the real power that contains the two forces brought together (positive only batteries can’t work !).

Only thing that matters now is my music and Oren. 

J' veux du soleil, de la légèreté, profiter des derniers soubresauts de la jeunesse en moi, me sentir vivante. 

I feel like in the eye of the hurricane, a place of stillness in absolute chaos and I feel like my goal as an artist is to enter that place and be centered enough, aligned enough, to be able to get in and stay there as long as I can. We are not here to be perfect, we are here to learn, the messy way, crushing eggshells just like Oren when we’re cooking together. 

It is not your job to ease his pain, he must face it, he must address it. Your job is to face your own guilt and fear and shame. you’ve got enough on your plate right now. Your job is to live your truth unapologetically. You always backed up to please him, so he won’t suffer too much, always sacrificed yourself for his well being. ENOUGH.

Je me laisse complètement aller dans ton flot, emporte moi là où je dois aller. Je n’offrirai aucune résistance.

My heart is pierced by fields of energy so big and intense that it is just too much for me. I can’t contain them. Things are moving faster now. It’s all going to be ok. En ce moment je suis seulement un cœur qui bat.

Tonight will be big for you. First time you go back on stage on your own with your guitar. You wanted this, you didn’t let go, despite fear. shame, discomfort,.. I’m so proud of you. It will change something, even a tiny thing; Go up there and enjoy every second. It is your time, your place, doing the thing you love. You thought it was over, well it’s not, it is just the beginning and it starts tonight. 

You don’t have to figure out “why” you just have to focus on your goal. You are alive, you are free, you are the light. Give it to people who get it. You are exactly where He wants you to be. The most important thing is to not lose my faith and keep my heart open. Keep on creating. 

I always needed a man to deal with existence, I wanna break this pattern. I wanna do it by myself.

Aussi hier je disais encore à l’univers à quel point j’étais affamée et il m’a répondu que c’était pas vrai, que je prenais les choses à l’envers, que c’est le désir qui m’affame,  que moi j’allais très bien mais que si je n'apprends pas à le maîtriser lui, il allait me dévorer. C’est le désir en moi qui est affamé et je ne suis pas mon désir. Il me montre ce qui est important pour moi, où je dois aller, ce que je dois faire, vers qui je dois me diriger, PARFOIS, SOUVENT, mais c’est une aide pas un maître, il n’a pas le contrôle, il ne doit pas avoir le contrôle. Sinon, si je le laisse aux commandes, tout s’écroule. 

I feel the desire wave melting me, softening every hard sport inside, there is nothing left but warmth, moist wet and liquid energy flowing freely opening my body and mind and heart. My soul is on its way to the top of the mountain to radiate its most fierceful light. I am a vase that can welcome anything, embrace everything and wrap loving arms around and gently rock it. I am alive, aware and I serve.

 All I ask Him is to unlock the parts of my spirit which are still locked.