AOÛT - SEPTEMBRE 2022

AOÛT 22

To find yourself and never let go, to finally be free and never let go. Having the courage to go all the way. Sacrifice everything, pay the price. This kind of peace will take you all you have. 

Now, as I step on the narrow balcony, so narrow I can hardly sit on it, the air is fresh again. Night has darkened everything. The light in the empty street is flickering as always and I’d like it to be off  so I could be in complete darkness, but as always, it goes on and off. I’m smoking, wearing a red transparent pareo. I feel vulnerable. Just like I felt the rest of the day. I feel fucked up and miserable and wicked. I know there is no way back and it feels strange. I’m not as terrorized as I used to be before everything happened. How the hell am I gonna make it ? What the hell am I gonna do ? I will eventually find a way, as I always do. I also wanna die, as I always did, because it would make things so much easier. But I have something to fight for now and this is new. 

It feels like it is all that we do : constantly missing each other. The smoking guy is gone. I went inside and I heard cars and people passing by, and the kids from the apartment across our street shouting out the open window. We can all see each other, hear each other, but we can’t reach each other. We can talk but not understand or be understood. And even surrounded by friends and family we can’t help feeling alone. There is nothing left from the past days where I felt so alive. There is nothing left from my strength. There is nothing left but a sad empty shell of a woman. My only purpose now, all I have left, is my Art. Now more than ever. I feel so ugly but my art can save me. Maybe it could save people too ? 

Dreamed of an open heart surgery on Oren last night. And I was the one who had to hold him in my arms and comfort him. It was a nightmare, I could feel her cut his chest open and he was reacting to it, moving. At first she didn’t even give him drugs so he felt everything. It was horrible. 

J’ai survécu à cette après-midi et je survivrai à la soirée. Je vais prendre la vie par tous petits bouts prédécoupés, les uns après les autres, et ça ira. Si je décortique, que je simplifie chaque tâche à l'extrême et que je me focus sur chaque mini bout les uns après les autres, tout sera possible. Ça va aller. Je ne suis pas seule. 

I wrote a story today. I am also getting a divorce. For sure this time. A and I are trying to put some distance between each other.

Parfois j’ai un parfum d’espoir qui revient tout d’un coup et je suis persuadée que c’est le début de quelque chose de plus beau, de plus grand. That all my pain will be swiped away. Qu’il reste encore tellement de joie à ressentir, tellement d’amour.

I feel a new energy in me, goddess like, reliée à ma féminité, à ma sexualité. The divine feminine. Une énergie différente de celle des Anges, mais ils disent que c’est la même chose. Gita, la seule témoin rescapée des Dialogues avec l’Ange, tellement de similarités avec ce qu’elle dit et ce que je ressens de ma propre relation à eux. I must accept everything, I must do what I’m here to do with joy. I’m not here to be happy, or to get what I want (à moins que ça se superpose avec ma mission), I am here to serve. But not in a way of sacrifice, but with JOY IN MY HEART. Our mission is connected with enthusiasm, excitement. They are no guardians, they are guides and the lessons always change. It’s a good thing that Sylvain broke the band. It attached me to a false sense of self, to my ego, to the surface of things. Fame, business, and it is not what I’m about, it is not where I thrive. It cuts me off from my power and my purpose. It has to be just me and my guitar. I have only two tasks now : Make art + Make my voice heard.

Ok so you want me to feel this pain, this loneliness, let’s get through this. And see what happens. There must be a hidden treasure in there somewhere, let’s find out. I’m willing to feel all there is to feel. It’s gonna be ok. I’m at the lowest of the wave now but God will lift me up again at some point. Try to focus on your work. I know it’s hard but you will find a way out of this, I promise. Also, document every tiny change. 

I’ve got so much love to give. I’m overflowing with love. 

Your worth depends on no one else but yourself.

I know I can make it on my own now. I know I’ll be ok no matter what. I can take care of myself. 

But it is how it’s supposed to be right ? Waves… I had it high, now I have it low… The trick to life is to hold on tight and enter every little moment of peace + never stop giving love. It is the answer to EVERYTHING. The more hurt you are, aware of the oceans of suffering the world can bear, the more you should give. It’s the only way. There is always peace and light available and they are even brighter in darkness. This is what people don’t get, and your task is to collect the gems and give it back to the people, back to those who can’t make the journey down there. 

Je veux aller puiser dans la confiance au lieu de la peur. 

SEPT 22

I feel pain for A and our ending relationship. Our ending mariage, the end of the time we’ve been dreaming together. What we had was something great. I won’t miss it because it’s time for something else. But it was something great.

I know I made the right decision, however I feel awful. I feel like crap. I hate my life. I am so scared to be on my own. I am so scared to have Oren on my own. I’m so scared to tell him about the divorce, so scared about everything. 

There are thunderstorms every night lately. It speaks to me. It says : be the wildest version of you. Follow what makes sense for you. Follow your heartbeat, follow the whispering of the wind. Follow your guides and angels, follow insights, follow your guts, follow the signs. 

C’est une bombe qu’on a mis sur nos cœur et elle va tout faire sauter.  

Faire mon maximum en ce moment, me permet juste de maintenir ma tête hors de l’eau. 

Today is the day we must tell Oren about the divorce. J’ai une boule au ventre monumentale.

It is getting immensely hard but it doesn’t feel wrong. It is going to be the most shitty period of my life. And it is depressing me. My songs are like a lifeboat right now and I hold on to them, lost in the middle of the ocean in the raging storm. If I make it alive back to the shore, I would owe it to them. All I need is to keep it over simple, RAW. My life and my head are in such a blur right now, it’s a fog so dense so intense and nothing has meaning or seems true anymore. Everything is changing and everyone changes its shape day after day. Nothing is sure and solid. And I can't process anything with my brain anymore. 

What I want with my Art, my music, my videos, everything I do, everything I am, is to force people to let go of their mind and focus on their hearts, emotions, feelings. Open them up to the other side. Tu vois quand je me reconnecte à mon purpose je me sens ok à nouveau. 

Really it’s all we have. Love. Benevolence that we give each other. All the rest is nothing. No matter what happens you can always give kindness and light to those around you. Never forget, you are loved. IMMENSELY LOVED.

Ne plus rien dire, ne plus réfléchir à rien. La réponse est OUT OF THE MIND. Mais comment en sortir ? L’impression que je vais devenir folle. Je dois rentrer dans le présent et sortir de moi, car ma tête, mon cœur, mon âme, sont dans la détresse la plus intense, un peu comme quand on touche quelque chose de tellement froid qu’on a l’impression que c’est chaud. C’est cette instantanéité, cette superposition des contraires dans le même espace temps qui est insupportable. Envie de mourir à nouveau. 

You have to let your old soul die so you can be born anew. 

Toutes les idées qu’on se fait sur la façon dont sont/doivent être les choses, l’univers nous en détourne toujours, il veut qu’on les lâche, qu’on lâche prise, car c’est encore une autre façon de se fermer, de se figer. 

J’ai la peur dans mon cœur et la tristesse, je ne sais pas comment faire, je me sens brisée brisée brisée. J’ai envie que tout s’arrête. Définitivement. Je veux mourir mourir mourir.  Même la musique n’est pas assez forte pour me sauver cette fois. Et les radeaux s’enfoncent dans l’océan, dans la tempête, et je n’ai plus rien à quoi me raccrocher, et je coule je coule je coule. 

Je veux m’élever à tout prix. 

I love that your lessons always have different layers, and each time there is a way to go deeper and deeper and deeper and how it is an ever changing landscape. 

Sometimes TRUTH comes in the form of anger and it is fine, it is ok. You can express it too. It’s not all love and peace. You can be good, full of love, and angry. 

Hier, Oren a pleuré quand je l’ai mis au lit et que je lui ai rappelé que je ne serai pas là ce week-end. Je crois qu’il commence à se rendre compte et putain ça fait mal. Le pincement horrible au cœur. C’est atroce.